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Sunday, August 4, 2013

Capernaum Cuneiform Chronicle

Capernaum Cuneiform Chronicle
Vol. 1 Issue #2
45 A.D.


Bishopric Message

We want you to know that we love each and every one of you each and every day. As we progress in the Lord's work we need to remember the love he has for each and every one of us. In the world, there will be trials and tribulations. Each and every one of us will experience trials and tribulations each and every day. Stay close to the Lord and you will be able to overcome each and every one of these trials and tribulations.

Ward Activity

Next Friday, we will be holding the annual swimming party. It will be the same place we always have it at the usual time. The same sisters that usually bring the food will be bringing it this time too. If you want to bring something, let them know. Since the ward is getting a little gray, we will have a special place for you stash your walkers, canes and wheel chairs. If you have a scooter, make sure it can go through mud since the area isn't paved and the beach can get a bit wet. If you need directions, ask somebody, but it's pretty easy. Just turn left at the old inn and take a right where Bro. Barabbas used to live before he died.  Take the exit next to where Sis. Joshabel lived before she died. Continue until you see the water. You can't miss it. Bring oxygen tanks and floaties if you have them. Scouts will be on hand to assist with CPR. Some still need to be certified. Hopefully we will have enough scouting leaders available to supervise.

Notice

Please be sure and clean the synagogue on your assigned week. The schedule was made a year ago and if you are new you aren't on it. Just remember to do all the assigned tasks. There might be a list of tasks somewhere in the custodian's closet. You'll have to get a key from someone in the Bishopric. The key will open the building but you will have to get a key from somebody else to open the custodian's closet. If you need a cleaning schedule you might be able to get a tablet from someone who got one a year ago but we don't know who that might be. Trade with somebody else if you can't clean on your assigned week.

Instructions On Library Use

Sister Drusilla wants everyone to remember that they need to get her announcements for the Sacrament Tablet at least six months in advance. It will take that long for her to inscribe them all by hand. (Her arthritis is acting up a bit.) She'll try and get back on a better schedule in the future and only require four months. If you need tablets or other visual resources, please give Bro. Barnabas plenty of notice so he can inscribe them for you. He only needs about a month advance notice. If someone has the key to the library, please let Sister Drusilla know, she hasn't been able to get in it for about two months.

Parking Issues

Some of you have not been taking your camels potty before they are parked. Camel urine's syrupy texture makes it very difficult to remove from the tar in the parking lot. Children are bringing it into the synagogue on their sandals. Please remember to take care of your camels before you park them. Camel's can hold onto a great deal during the three hour block. There is no need for them to relieve themselves while parked. We appreciate your discretion on this matter.

THE END

(Capernaum 7th Ward Grapevine)


"Why are we still using clay tablets? Everybody else shifted to papyrus a long time ago. If we had, Sis. Drusilla wouldn't need six months to carve the Sacrament Tablets. Information is outdated long before six months. This is so silly." Bro. Eleazar

"I agree with Bro. Eleazar, but perhaps we could accommodate the old-timers by commissioning mosaics instead of making the leap directly to papayrus." Bro. Jachin

"Why do we always have to consume copious amounts of food? Couldn't we plan a service activity instead of always having a social event with tons of food?" Sis. Milka

"Activities would not be successful if we didn't provide food. Anybody that's anybody knows that. Every time I've served as Stake Relief Society President, Ward Relief Society President, Stake Young Women's President, Ward Young Women's President, Stake Primary President and Ward Primary President we always provide food at events. People expect food and they probably won't come without it. Every time my husband has served as Stake President, Bishop, in the High Council, Elder's Quorum President and High Priest's Group Leader we always plan food. It's necessary." Sis. Zipporah

"Well, I was reflecting on the life of Jesus Christ. After one of his miraculous feedings of the multitude, they followed him, but Christ said they only wanted the food, not his teachings. Here's the reference in John 6:26-27:
Jesus answered them and said, Verily, verily, I say unto you, Ye seek me, not because ye saw the miracles, but because ye did eat of the loaves, and were filled.
Labour not for the meat which perisheth, but for that meat which endureth unto everlasting life, which the Son of man shall give unto you: for him hath God the Father sealed."
I just think there might be a modern day application for this reference. If people only come for the food, are they coming for the right reason?" Sis. MIlka

"Sis. Milka, I think you need to repent. You are on the high road to apostasy when you question your leaders. I will pray for you and your lost, demented soul." Sis. Zipporah 

"Sisters, perhaps we can just agree to disagree?" Sis. Dorcas

"Sister Milka doesn't have to go to activities if she doesn't want to. Everyone is free to make their own choices. That is what makes the gospel so wonderful!" Sister Damaris, Solace Society President, Sister Susanna and Sister Rhoda, Counselors.

"Papyrus is still the best option, but I'm willing to advance to mosaics for the time being." Bro. Jachin

"Camel Continence Classes have been going on now for five months. We really didn't need to include the parking issue thing. It's old news. Maybe we should shift to papyrus."Bro. Reuel

See prior issues of the Capernaum Cuneiform Chronicle
Vol. 1 Issue #1

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