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Friday, December 31, 2010

Boring Mormon 2010

Today's post is inspired by the Wall Street Journal article "Boredom Enthusiasts Discover the Pleasures of Understimulation" and the work of The Boring Institute.

What would a conference for Mormon boredom offer? Perhaps the following:

Boring Mormon 2010

Keynote Address: Boredom Begins in Sunday School: How not preparing, not using any visual or teaching aids provided by the Church, writing too small on the chalkboard, not speaking loud enough, not seeking The Spirit when you teach, not caring how you present your material and not using the scriptures can bore your students to death.


Other Presentations:

General Authority Fashion: A Restrospective

Relief Society Table Decorations -- A Pictorial Essay

Jello Art

The Spiritual Potential of Urban Legends and Hoaxes

Male Baldness Patterns in High Priests

Scriptural and Political Distortions in the Works of W. Cleon Skousen [Note: We anticipate this to be an annual offering of multiple sessions of different presentations every year.]

Overexposed Clip Art in Primary

The Effect of Pagination on Gospel Learning

Pot Luck Preparation and Administration

Common Ways to Violate Copyright Laws and Expose the Church to Legal Liabilities

Lowering Your Spiritual I.Q. with Theological Twinkies

Evolution of Thomas S. Monsonesque Religious Blank Verse

Theoretical Foundations of Glenn Beck's Thought

Sponsored Workshops

How to allow your mind to wander in Church, while appearing to remain attentive.

How to impose the limitations of a paper-based information systems on the Church's new digital tools so that the digital tools fail.

How to fill up your home with religious kitsch so that it appears to everyone that you are a strong Church member, when you really aren't.

How to make your children feel that keeping the Sabbath is really just a form of sensory, intellectual and physical deprivation akin to torture.

The Most Boring Mormons of the Year:

1. The teacher who spent less than one hour preparing a lesson.

2. The person who prepared a Sacrament meeting talk the night before or the morning of.

3. The person who simply utters one mind-numbing cliché after another.  Examples: "I'm so grateful to be with you." "I'm so grateful to be here." "I've had some real trials and tribulations." "I love each and every one of you."

4. The local unit leader who never reads or follows the Handbook.

5. The person who doesn't bother to do any responsibilities associated with their calling, but constantly emphasizes their title to everyone.

6. The person who thinks problem solving means holding a meeting.

7. The Relief Society leader who spends 30 minutes or more conducting opening exercises, thus limiting the actual teacher to less than half the time she should have to present her lesson.

8. The local church leader who says the same thing at least three times in three different ways, very slowly without actually saying anything at all.

9. The person who spends enormous amounts of time personally collecting, and forcing others to collect, useless information and statistics that never leads to anything other than information collection.

10.  The person who thinks they are teaching when all they are doing is asking obvious, fact-based, or rhetorical questions. Example: Who built an ark? Why is it important to live the gospel?


Perhaps today's post can result in some substantive New Year's Resolutions you set for yourself.

1 comment:

  1. Bishopric members who request members to talk with one week or less to prepare.

    Anyone who teaches without the Spirit.

    People who think that teaching Primary or Sunday School is 'unimportant'. You are establishing the foundations of the Millenial Zion.

    ReplyDelete